It feels like a snow day-or it did feel like a snow day for the first day or so. Now it looks like it may become several months worth of snow days and a reality that we never thought we would face. So many of us are disappointed. Nothing is going as planned. Weddings are postponed, birthday celebrations are cancelled, spring fairs, school sports, proms, performances, concerts, conferences, March madness—and school has been cancelled until May 15. Many of these are rites of passages for teenagers that they have planned for months or even years. This interruption has affected all of us in some way, but I know teenagers are incredibly disappointed realizing they will not get to be with their friends perhaps for a couple of months.
Teens deal with disappointment in different ways and with different emotions. As parents, since you are some of the only social interaction they are getting, it is important for them to feel loved and supported. Parents, here are some things to know about your teenagers as you help them navigate COVID-19.
1. Let them be sad. Events like prom and school in general really matter to them. This is a major loss in your teenager’s life and they need space to grieve that. Support, validate, and normalize this for them. No one could have guessed that there would be a day where your teen was sad about not going to school. This can be an encouragement as a parent though, because it shows us that they cared about school even when we thought they didn’t. Teens care about their friends, sports, social life, work, and even school work. It is a privilege to love these events, to understand their value and grieve the loss of them. Some teenagers might feel some relief that they are no longer stressed with so many things to do, and they have gotten out of commitments they did not want to do in the first place. Those feelings are valid as well.
2. Although this isolation can provide families with more time together, most all teenagers specifically want to have independence. Therefore, many are struggling with the reality that they will be inside with parents for the unforeseen future. It is important to give them alone time as well.
3. Perhaps your teen is frustrated with you because you are trying to stick to the guidelines of social distancing while others are not. Give them permission to blame you for this while trying to find other ways to be flexible. They may not have as much freedom as other teens because of social distancing, but you can work together to find an alternative.
4. While your teen’s disappointment does have the potential to turn up the volume on depression and anxiety, it is important to create a sense of normalcy-make new routines and schedules. And while you may become more flexible about technology rules, make sure you keep some rules around online activity including Netflix and social media. Make sure they get good sleep, eat as healthy as possible, and continue to get some physical activity. Teens are creative too, so even giving them the opportunity to choose what these rules and routines are might be helpful.
There is so much we still do not know about what the Spring will look like, but we do know that teenagers are resilient and adaptable and will get through this-but not without some disappointment. As Donna Gibbs always says, “Every challenge invites a victory,” so help your teen find victory in the midst of significant let-downs in his or her life.
Donna Gibbs, co-owner of Summit Wellness Centers, PLLC, is author of the recent releases, Silencing Insecurity and Becoming Resilient. Donna has authored numerous other books, her blogs are frequently shared in various media outlets, and she is commonly featured on radio broadcasts across America, and occasionally internationally as well. Donna has been providing individuals and families the hope and help they need for more than twenty years as a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Supervisor and a Board-certified Professional Christian Counselor. A member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), she is a leading professional provider for Focus on the Family, Christian Care Network, r3Continuum, FINDINGbalance, and Samaritan’s Purse.
Donna Gibbs, co-owner of Summit Wellness Centers, PLLC, is author of the recent releases, Silencing Insecurity and Becoming Resilient. Donna has authored numerous other books, her blogs are frequently shared in various media outlets, and she is commonly featured on radio broadcasts across America, and occasionally internationally as well. Donna has been providing individuals and families the hope and help they need for more than twenty years as a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Supervisor and a Board-certified Professional Christian Counselor. A member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), she is a leading professional provider for Focus on the Family, Christian Care Network, r3Continuum, FINDINGbalance, and Samaritan’s Purse.
Genesis 1:1 (English Standard Version) “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. (3) And God said, “Let there be light’, and there was light.“
In these first couple of verses in Genesis, God reveals something very significant about himself. He is not like us.
To the original hearing/reading audience that Moses was writing to (inspired of God), this would have been a different idea than what they had heard from the nations around them. Most ancient cultures had some sort of creation story. A common theme in these stories is that the universe, and humankind as part of that universe, was connected to their gods by being of the same “stuff”. Either the basic elements of the universe were eternal, and thus the gods and the universe were made out of this eternal matter (same substance idea), or the universe, world, and mankind were the offspring of the gods and thus still of the same substance.
The biblical account of creation is very different. God creates by His power all things (the heavens and the earth). He speaks, and matter and order come into being. The significance is that it is not a part of Him, or an “emanation” from God, but rather distinct from Him. We as human beings are not little divine sparks who originate from the great flame (God) as some eastern religions speak of. God is wholly different than us.
One significant idea that comes from this is that God alone speaks creation into existence and thus all power and authority come from Him. We do not participate in this. We are not authorities or truths of ourselves which we could claim if we were of the same stuff as God. Most of my problems in life, and the lives of others, come from doing things my way and seeking to be an authority or source of self derived truth. God alone speaks and the universe comes into being. God alone has the authority to speak to His creation and state what truth is, what love is, what righteousness is, and how we are to believe and live.
When I stop trying to be the one who speaks and instead listen to the God who alone spoke and the universe came into being, then my life starts making sense. God has spoken, and still speaks through his Word. Are we listening?
With so much attention being placed on the new strain of Coronavirus (COVID-19) many people are becoming anxious, fearful, feel powerless and some are even panicking. Certainly with the availability of world wide media at our fingertips we are being constantly bombarded with worst case scenarios. Even in our local area (with no immediate threat) medical supplies, hand sanitizer, bottled water and canned goods are disappearing from store shelves. While it is important to be informed about this virus and know the facts, it is also equally important to have a balanced approach to the personal implications of this latest super virus.
The current Coronavirus (COVID-19) is the latest strain from the Coronaviruses (CoV) family, which have been around for many years. In fact, many Lysol cans list Coronaviruses as one of the germs that Lysol kills. While COVID-19 is highly contagious, the risk of death is very low, currently being reported at about 3%. Of the deaths reported, the people most at risk are those with an already compromised immune system, heart/respiratory issues, very young or elderly. Most people infected with the virus will experience symptoms like a common cold. Coronavirus is spread through respiratory droplets that are inhaled or left on surfaces that are touched by an infected person. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (www.cdc.gov) recommends the following to reduce risk/spread of infection: disinfect touched objects and surfaces, wash hands vigorously with warm soapy water, use hand sanitizer, stay home if you are sick, refrain from touching your face, covering your coughs and sneezes, and wearing a mask if you are symptomatic. Additionally, seeking prompt medical attention if needed.
Christians need not be fearful of this latest potential health risk. Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version) states, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”. Jesus is stronger than COVID-19 and this current epidemic hasn’t taken Him by surprise. Since the original sin by Adam and Eve our world will have trials. But scripture also tells us that our trials produce perseverance, character, and hope (Romans 5:4). Most importantly scripture tells that Christ has overcome the world, therefore, in Him we can experience peace and find hope (John 16:33).
Now is the time for believers to exercise their faith, rather than to give in to fear.
Reach out to God and trust Him with your fears. I Peter 5:7 (NIV) tells us, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you”.
Encourage other believers, and don’t ‘feed’ the negative talk surrounding most of us daily. Many people, especially those weaker in their faith or unbelievers, will be experiencing hopelessness and fear. (I Thessalonians 5:11)
Reach out to unbelievers! During times of trials and natural disasters many people will be open to hearing and receiving the good news and hope found in Christ when they would otherwise be resistant. (I Peter 3:15, Ephesians 2:10, Mark 16:15)
What an opportunity!
“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God” (Psalm 20:7, NIV)
When I consider the word, “Quit,” I reflect back on my track years, and specifically to the 400-meter race. When you are sprinting for that distance you become well-acquainted with the word, quit. During the last curve, muscles burning, and out of breath, you wonder if you are going to make it to the finish line. And, sometimes, you’d just like to check-out and forget the finish line altogether. I think this is the reason Paul used the example of a race so many times in scripture. “I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” (Philippians 3:14, New Living Translation.) In other words, it does little good to compete in a race that we don’t finish.
Some struggles in life are more daunting, though, than a 400-meter sprint.Marriage struggles. A challenging diagnosis. An addiction. Raising a strong-willed child. Depression that just won’t budge. Anxiety that nearly cripples. A job that takes more than it gives. Overwhelming regrets of the past. When we face tough struggles in life like these we sometimes want to exit the race and run for the sidelines. We want out. We just need the madness to stop.
So, we quit.
We give up.
But hear me… sometimes, we give up too quickly.
For those of you who are NCSU fans, the name Jimmy Valvano is a household name. Of course, he’s known for leading the Cinderella team of 1983, and refusing to quit when the odds were stacked against him. But, he is also widely known for a speech that he gave during his acceptance of the Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award in the spring of 1993. Why was that speech so profound? Because Jimmy Valvano was dying. His body covered in tumors, he announced the birth of the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. It’s motto? “Don’t give up…Don’t ever give up!” Despite his physical weakness, He stood throughout that speech, demonstrating how to press on until the end of his race.
If God is urging you to release a situation, or a relationship, then obey. But quit only if you are certain God is prompting you to do so. Don’t ever give up prematurely on something, or someone, that God hasn’t led you to release. If God can speak creation into being then He can speak life into your seemingly hopeless situation. And if God can resurrect His Son from the dead, then your situation is not a problem!
Ponder that!
Your challenges can be overcome! Premature quitting interferes with God’s work in your life. So, stay the course. Run the race.
Keep standing!
And, “don’t ever give up!”
Donna Gibbs, LCMHCS, BCPCC
Donna Gibbs, co-owner of Summit Wellness Centers, PLLC, is author of the recent releases, Silencing Insecurity and Becoming Resilient. Donna has authored numerous other books, her blogs are frequently shared in various media outlets, and she is commonly featured on radio broadcasts across America, and occasionally internationally as well. Donna has been providing individuals and families the hope and help they need for more than twenty years as a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Supervisor and a Board-certified Professional Christian Counselor. A member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), she is a leading professional provider for Focus on the Family, Christian Care Network, r3Continuum, FINDINGbalance, and Samaritan’s Purse.
As many of you may know, my husband died nearly three years ago. Recently FaceBook had a memory pop up from a day in 2015, around 2 years into my late husband’s illness. Pictured at the top of this memory was a note from his doctor. It read, “Your husband is expected to live until further notice.”
Five years ago, my husband was very ill. He had been diagnosed with a very rare bone marrow disorder and was not responding to the treatments he was being given. He was receiving blood transfusions every week and was in and out of the hospital with many complications from the disease. During that time, I struggled with intense anxiety on a daily basis. It was hard to think of anything other than the suffering he was going through and the impact it was having on our family. There was no end to the “what if” questions that plagued me night and day.
In his attempt to reassure me, my husband had his doctor write this note for me. It was such a sweet, human attempt to ease my worry and provide reassurance that he would not die…but as I mentioned, eventually the disease took its toll and he passed away two years later. This human effort on both his part and that of his doctor could not have prevented what God had ordained nor could all the medical treatment that was generously provided for him.
Only God is in TOTAL and Sovereign control of all things, including the number of our days. In Psalm 139:16 (New Living Translation) we read:
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
In Job 14:5 (NLT) it says:
“You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer.”
I have found that God’s sovereignty brings me great comfort. Some may say that this is unfair. I have met many who may believe in God’s sovereignty in all areas but death. Many carry guilt thinking that somehow they could have done something to prevent a loved one’s death or the doctors could have tried harder. Others remain angry at the disease or the person who cut their loved one’s life short. The truth is this…God, and God alone, numbers our days.
I do not wish to diminish the pain of human suffering. I do not think there are many other events that hurt more than losing someone you love. However, personally I have resolved to believe that God is not a big meanie who takes from us. Death and loss are a huge part of the fallen world we inhabit and will be until Jesus returns. Standing in the fundamental truth that “He Is In Control” has been the foundation of my healing from this great loss. It has allowed me to open my hands and release in surrender my every care because I know He’s got it!
This event was used by the Almighty to cement my faith and still my “what if’s” as I know that even when life is out of control and I can find nothing in this human world to comfort, the God who knows all and is all, will meet my every need. He is there, has been there, and always will be! I stand in the firm belief of Romans 8:28 that He will use the worst of my circumstances for my good. I have now lived past this tragedy long enough to know and see this truth working out in my life and that of my family.
If you are struggling with loss, I challenge you to take a step closer to our Creator and embrace who He is. He wants to meet you in your sorrow and bring you to a place of peace that only He can. Let Him show you how surrendering to His control will bring you out of misery when you learn to abide in Him.
There is no need to walk this path alone. We are here to help. Give us a call so we can walk through the valley with you.
Sometimes life can give us seasons in which we have few answers, seasons of unknowing. We feel unstable, uncertain, unsafe. Physical pain that won’t go away. Relational difficulties that won’t subside. Mental struggles that won’t relent. Sometimes things are brought on by our own choices. Sometimes it’s just life in a fallen world. In such seasons, I have found that the trite and trivial “answers” don’t do much other than deepen the pain.
What I do know is to continually lead my mind and heart towards the One who holds together reality itself.
“And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” (Colossians 1:17, English Standard Version)
What I do know is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time.
“Give us this day our daily bread…” (Matthew 6:11)
What I do know is to lead my heart to remember that I am in the care of the One who is my Shepherd, and that “… goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…” (Psalm 23:6)
If you are in such a place, lead your mind and heart to trust Him today. Be honest with him, as was the father in Mark 9, “…I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)
If you are in the midst of unknowing, I hope you find this as comforting to your soul as I have.
I am a big fan of the TV drama, “This is Us”. It is can’t miss, appointment TV for me. Last week one of my favorite characters, Randall, stood in his hallway in the middle of the night faced with a home invader–his immediate response was to fight the guy; in fact, he said, “You’ll never get past me.” Randall was ready to let him have whatever he wanted to keep him from going upstairs to his family. He was the strong protector. Then, as he continued to try and get on with normal life the anxiety of that instance plagued him. He began to wonder about what if the robber had gone upstairs, what if Randall had not had been there to stop him, what if he…. Then as he tried to utilize his usual coping skill, running, he was triggered and came home and cried in his bathroom trying not to have a panic attack. From what we know about Randall, he is a normal man, a councilman, living life with his wife and three kids. However, there are occasions throughout the show where he has difficulties with anxiety and in fact has panic attacks. Randall has these panic attacks because he is outside of his window of tolerance.
A window of tolerance is where we function most naturally. We experience ups and downs because that is a part of human life, but within that range we can tolerate certain emotions. In our daily life our emotions may range from anger to sadness or excitement to exhaustion and everything in between. This might bring us to the edge but we can usually stay within this window using coping strategies we have gained such as running, like Randall, or taking a bath, or doing something we enjoy.
When we experience extreme adversity or something traumatic, it is difficult to stay within this window of tolerance. If we move out of that window we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Flight, fight, or freeze is when our body perceives a harmful event or a threat to survival. When we are outside of that window it is difficult to think rationally. This window of tolerance is the body assessing what it needs to make us feel safe and how we can survive this situation. What happens outside of the window of tolerance is that the senses become heightened and our reactions become magnified preventing our usual coping skills from working properly. When this happens it can bring one to panic attacks, depression, numbness, and disconnection. When we have unaddressed emotions or are going through something traumatic, that tolerance window narrows and we become overwhelmed more quickly. It is helpful to get acquainted with your personal window of tolerance and observe it with compassion. It’s important to acknowledge and be aware of your window of tolerance, knowing that what is happening in your life is hard.
Here are some skills to try when you recognize you are out of your window of tolerance:
Mindfulness skills using grounding techniques: 5,4,3,2,1- noticing 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This can help in getting your body back to reality
Deep, slow breathing: This helps to activate regions of the brain and calms the body and has even been found to reduce pain and bring awareness to the here and now.
Keeping a gratitude list: Research has shown that giving thanks causes less stress, improves the quality of sleep, and builds emotional awareness.
Utilizing a weighted blanket: The deep pressure from using a weighted blanket has a calming effect.
Talking with a trusted friend: Sometimes others notice you are outside your window of tolerance before you do. You were not meant to do this alone, you were meant to do this with people around you.
Talking with a counselor: Although these things can help if you are still feeling overwhelmed it might be time to see a counselor so that when life does get difficult, you know you have someone who will listen.
Randall has, up to this point, refused help. A friend reached out and offered his listening ear and even suggested Randall speak to a pastor. Randall thinks he can handle this on his own. He has always turned to his brother during the difficult times, but at this place in his life Randall needs more. Will he see a counselor? Will he start a gratitude list? Or will he just continue to think he can live with his anxieties outside of his window of tolerance? The first step is noticing you are outside of your window of tolerance and then you get to decide what comes next.
I am admittedly a fierce goal-setter, and am very driven and task-oriented. But I am also, admittedly, not very fond of traditional New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s be honest, most New Year Resolutions for 2020 have already been broken by this point, just two weeks into the year. I prefer meaningful goal-setting throughout the year, vs an obligated (and often less meaningful) goal that starts on the first day of the year, but rarely has a solid “Why”.
And that’s why I favor keeping my serious, planned and measurable goals in front of me at various times throughout the year, while focusing on a theme word for each New Year. This past December, I began patiently praying about what that word would be for 2020, and it didn’t take me long to realize the one word that it would have to be: EMBRACE.
I’ve always thought of the word “embrace” as a beautiful and delicate word. Soft, eloquent, gentle and graceful. But that is definitely not why I landed on the word EMBRACE for my 2020 theme. I wrote on my pantry-housed chalk board the three reasons why I feel God tugging my heart to “embrace” in 2020.
Change
Challenge
Growth
Let’s talk about Embracing Change. You see, I know our family will experience massive changes in this coming year. One of those changes has already passed. Change wasted no time in 2020, as the very first day of this year was also my first day in a new office space. After 21 years of serving on the same campus (mostly in the same office), we moved the hub of our practice and transferred to a new space across the county. It’s a wonderful change. But any kind of change can invite our resistance, right? That first day of the year was an opportunity for me to fully “embrace” change, and I must say that this intentional focus has been greatly refreshing and encouraging! But that’s not all the change that is coming our way. My oldest children, twin boys, will be wrapping up their high school career in just a few months, and soon thereafter packing up for the next chapter in their lives (to a city far away from mom and dad). Yikes! It is a beautiful season of change, and, gratefully, one that God is preparing my heart to “embrace”. At the same time, my youngest will be entering Kindergarten. Geez! Where does the time go? And what momma doesn’t need a little extra touch of “embrace” when her oldest children empty the nest and her youngest heads to school? These are just the changes I know to anticipate. But I am sure there will be many more transitions that I just don’t see coming. There are changes of life that we can’t possibly predict, which brings me to the next point of focus, Embracing Challenge.
Those unpredicted changes (perhaps unwelcomed changes) are the challenges of life. I know I will face challenges in 2020. I don’t know exactly what they will be, but I’ve experienced enough adversity in my lifetime to know that while challenges birth a lot of pain, they also birth other remarkable characteristics. Things like Resilience. Patience. Empathy. Gentleness. Self-Control. Courage. Wisdom. These are characteristics, in their purity, that can only be developed in the fire of a trial (yep, the hard way)! When I embrace my desire of those characteristics in my life, I must also embrace the challenge that precipitates them.Recognizing that God is the Author or Allower of my future challenges, I will seek to embrace challenge in the same manner that I embrace His Sovereignty. So, here’s to embracing the inevitable, but unknown, challenges of 2020.
My last focus, EmbracingGrowthmeans recognizing and celebrating the victories as they come, and praising the Creator and Author of all victories, Jesus! Just as I routinely encourage my clients to be diligently alert to victories, I will be doing the same in 2020, because victories mean growth.
These are important aspects of embracing, but the most powerful conviction about embracing has yet to be mentioned. You see, if all I do is embrace change, challenge, and growth, then my experience of embracing in 2020 will only be superficial. More than anything, I am led to EMBRACE JESUS in 2020.Because nothing else matters like Jesus matters.And with my eyes fixed on Him, I will seek to process the changes, the challenges and the growth, leaning on Him for strength, discernment, and Hope, and being quick to acknowledge His activity in the victories of 2020.
So how does this discussion apply to you? Here are a few things to ponder as you look with anticipation to the year ahead.
If you’ve set a New Year’s Resolution, that’s great! Just make sure that you have a plan in place, that your goal is measurable, that you are familiar with your “Why” and you review it daily, and that you have the accountability to sustain you when you grow weary of the perseverance required for accomplishing an important goal. Why does a resolution require so much care and attention? Because if your resolution were easy for you to accomplish, you would have already done so prior to 2020. If it had previously been doable, a New Year Resolution wouldn’t even be required! This is probably an intimidating task for you, so do some serious planning to assure your success!
For the rest of you, I will encourage you to consider a theme word for your year. Hey, it’s still early in the year! It’s not too late!
What does it look like to live out your word for the year? Here are a few suggestions:
*Keep your theme word in front of you. This repetition of exposure will increase your remembrance and awareness. I write my word in my pantry and my laundry room (because I’m in that chaotic stage of life raising children and those are the two places that seem to consume much of my time these days!)
*When you study God’s Word, seek to understand the scripture first, and then pay attention to that same scripture through the filter of your particular word. (Let me tell you, examining scriptures through the lens of the word “embrace” shines an entirely new light and creates a fresh level of enthusiasm regarding spiritual truths!
*Pray often that God will use your commitment to a particular word as an opportunity for discernment and growth in daily living.
*No matter your word, I will encourage you to EMBRACE JESUS in 2020. If you don’t know Him, embracing Him will simply require your attentiveness to the consideration of trusting Him. Allow yourself to lean-in to the possibility of a relationship with Jesus. This would be a great time to reach out to a trusted Christian friend. I’m sure they’d be honored to tell you more about their journey.
And if you already know Him, contemplate the phrase, “Embracing Jesus”! EMBRACING JESUS is a beautiful and affectionate phrase that propels us to actively hold Jesus closely, and willingly allow Him to hold us! To enthusiastically accept Him, and to include Him in every aspect of our lives. Embracing Jesus shifts our focus towards Him, and will certainly be a refreshing salve for life in 2020!
Donna Gibbs, LPCS
Donna Gibbs, co-owner of Summit Wellness Centers, PLLC, is author of the recent releases, Silencing Insecurity and Becoming Resilient. Donna has authored numerous other books, her blogs are frequently shared in various media outlets, and she is commonly featured on radio broadcasts across America, and occasionally internationally as well. Donna has been providing individuals and families the hope and help they need for more than twenty years as a national certified counselor, board-certified professional Christian counselor, and licensed professional counselor supervisor. A member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), she is a leading professional provider for Focus on the Family, Christian Care Network, r3Continuum, FINDINGbalance, and Samaritan’s Purse.
