Forgiveness and Reconciliation

By Pam Nettles, LPC

Forgiveness and Reconciliation are two commonly misunderstood concepts. Forgiveness is actually a command given to every believer. However, reconciliation is a bit messier because it is not mandated, depending on the circumstances.  Sometimes reconciliation is healthy for you and/or a relationship; but in other instances reconciliation can be unhealthy, and even dangerous. Both Forgiveness and Reconciliation can be a one time decision, or it may be a process.  Prayer is a vital element in asking for wisdom and discernment, as well as preparing your heart.  Let’s consider each concept and hear what the Bible has to say.

Forgiveness of Others and Ourselves

Forgiveness literally means ‘to let go’ as when a person does not demand for payment for a debt.  Forgiveness does not mean you are condoning the action of another, pretending the offense didn’t happen or allowing another to take advantage of you.  Forgiveness does not mean you forget the offensive, but that you turn the offender over to Jesus and allow Him to work on the offender’s heart.  Forgiveness does not require the other party to participate, however, forgiveness sets you free of the bondage of bitterness and resentment.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.” (Colossians 3:13, New International Version)

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32)

Sometimes it is harder to forgive ourselves of our offenses.   The Bible tells us to confess our sins and repent.  When we confess our sins God forgives us, never to remember the offense, however, we often continue to punish ourselves and not truly receive Christ’s forgiveness.  Jesus died on the cross for each and every sin you and I commit.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” ( 1 John 1: 8 &9)

Reconciliation

Forgiveness may only require one party, if the other is not willing to repent. Reconciliation requires two parties.  If the person that offended you accepts personal responsibility for their actions, and repents (changes their actions), then it may be possible for reconciliation.  Depending on the nature of the offense it may be possible to establish guidelines for reconciliation and rebuilding trust.  Some guidelines may include accountability, counseling or the offender seeking help from a mentor, additionally time/space may be needed in the relationship.  Other times, if the offense was horrendous or abusive, reconciliation may not be possible.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”  (Romans 12: 18 – 19)

Therefore , if anyone is in Christ,  the new creation has come:  the old has gone, the new is here!  All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them.  And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.  We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” (2 Corinthians 5: 17-20)

Pam Nettles, LPC
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