by Ashleigh Beason, LCMHCA
I am a big fan of the TV drama, “This is Us”. It is can’t miss, appointment TV for me. Last week one of my favorite characters, Randall, stood in his hallway in the middle of the night faced with a home invader–his immediate response was to fight the guy; in fact, he said, “You’ll never get past me.” Randall was ready to let him have whatever he wanted to keep him from going upstairs to his family. He was the strong protector. Then, as he continued to try and get on with normal life the anxiety of that instance plagued him. He began to wonder about what if the robber had gone upstairs, what if Randall had not had been there to stop him, what if he…. Then as he tried to utilize his usual coping skill, running, he was triggered and came home and cried in his bathroom trying not to have a panic attack. From what we know about Randall, he is a normal man, a councilman, living life with his wife and three kids. However, there are occasions throughout the show where he has difficulties with anxiety and in fact has panic attacks. Randall has these panic attacks because he is outside of his window of tolerance.
A window of tolerance is where we function most naturally. We experience ups and downs because that is a part of human life, but within that range we can tolerate certain emotions. In our daily life our emotions may range from anger to sadness or excitement to exhaustion and everything in between. This might bring us to the edge but we can usually stay within this window using coping strategies we have gained such as running, like Randall, or taking a bath, or doing something we enjoy.
When we experience extreme adversity or something traumatic, it is difficult to stay within this window of tolerance. If we move out of that window we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Flight, fight, or freeze is when our body perceives a harmful event or a threat to survival. When we are outside of that window it is difficult to think rationally. This window of tolerance is the body assessing what it needs to make us feel safe and how we can survive this situation. What happens outside of the window of tolerance is that the senses become heightened and our reactions become magnified preventing our usual coping skills from working properly. When this happens it can bring one to panic attacks, depression, numbness, and disconnection. When we have unaddressed emotions or are going through something traumatic, that tolerance window narrows and we become overwhelmed more quickly. It is helpful to get acquainted with your personal window of tolerance and observe it with compassion. It’s important to acknowledge and be aware of your window of tolerance, knowing that what is happening in your life is hard.
Here are some skills to try when you recognize you are out of your window of tolerance:
Mindfulness skills using grounding techniques: 5,4,3,2,1- noticing 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This can help in getting your body back to reality
Deep, slow breathing: This helps to activate regions of the brain and calms the body and has even been found to reduce pain and bring awareness to the here and now.
Keeping a gratitude list: Research has shown that giving thanks causes less stress, improves the quality of sleep, and builds emotional awareness.
Utilizing a weighted blanket: The deep pressure from using a weighted blanket has a calming effect.
Talking with a trusted friend: Sometimes others notice you are outside your window of tolerance before you do. You were not meant to do this alone, you were meant to do this with people around you.
Talking with a counselor: Although these things can help if you are still feeling overwhelmed it might be time to see a counselor so that when life does get difficult, you know you have someone who will listen.
Randall has, up to this point, refused help. A friend reached out and offered his listening ear and even suggested Randall speak to a pastor. Randall thinks he can handle this on his own. He has always turned to his brother during the difficult times, but at this place in his life Randall needs more. Will he see a counselor? Will he start a gratitude list? Or will he just continue to think he can live with his anxieties outside of his window of tolerance? The first step is noticing you are outside of your window of tolerance and then you get to decide what comes next.
